daughterofgaea

...late and dying my hair. Go away grays.
I wish Jenn was here already.
The waiting is the hardest part, and yes, absence does make me fonder. I just would be a little more satisfied if she were here...in my bed. Right now.

I move my horse to a new place on the 4th. That is good news. It costs $35 per month, plus the cost of hay. And I need to clean the paddocks and fill the water. It is a lot of work but she will be closer. And happier that we are on the trails again!!! Yay!

I am alone and not very tired. It sure has been a crazy few days and I should be tired.
I guess I am just full of wise ass right now and need to dance or yell or something.
Argh!

Some crazy shit is going on with my daughter's father and this is how my subconscious deals with it...
I had a dream that I was swimming in a house filled with water. I could swim really fast but I had to breath air. And we (don't know who I was with, a man I never met) were exploring the house, which seemed like a sunken battle ship at this point. There were small pockets of air and we were checking a spot that had no air. I started to feel as if I was gonna need air soon so I swam really fast, trying to get back to the spot we started from. It was almost as if I had fins I swam so fast and writhed through the water. Needless to say I didn't make it. I kinda drowned. Yet it was like a video game and it was just over.
Then I was outside the 'ship' and it was like a big hotel. Again there were people with me I didn't recognize and then my brother Josh and my brother Mikey. Except he was really little. It was almost as if the people I did recognize were morphing into other people I know, like little Mikey shifted into Ellie, and my bother into my dad and Damen...I think... Anyway, we were all walking together and one of the people whose face was clear yet I didn't know them, said, 'spider'. I was like how do you know? I haven't seen one. Then out of no where is this HUGE green spider that totally leaps of a tree like 5 feet onto Mikey/Ellie! He sweeps it off and screams and I just start running, following the Josh/Dad/Damen, the man. I was feeling like this self preservation drive all of the sudden kicked in and I ran so fast. A couple spiders jumped on me, I swept them off and ran faster than I can really run in life. I was like a super hero. Getting into safety I realized that the little one and a few of the other people I didn't know were still out there. I looked out seeing them COVERED with spiders screaming. I almost puked. I was screaming as well and thinking I could run out there with a hose and spray them off with water... the Josh/Dad/Damen said, it was no use... And then I woke a little, dropping back into the same world when falling asleep again.
This time Johnny Depp was there. And he was hot for me. And I was not. It was pretty funny, yet somehow really serious. You know how Mr Depp can be. Anyway, we made out a little and I was just thinking the whole time how skinny he was and that he wasn't really doing it for me...
I am sure that there was more. This was like an epic dream.
That is all I can remember right now.
Any thoughts about the significance of this dream?

...to admit to the LJ world that I am not attracted to men any more. I am a lesbian, for all those people who need the title. I kinda do. I'm a dyke. After years of thinking and wondering and experimenting, I am willing to name myself. Which I have done before, I have come out to my family at least 1 other time...
But last year, about 6 months ago, in October, I had huge stuff come up that seemed to stir old memories around.
And dealing with the deaths of Leigh Ann and my Step-dad, also last year, really brought things into perspective.
The conclusion I came to was life is too short to pretend anything.
Realness, honesty, wholeness. No lies, no pretending to feel something when I don't.
So here I am.
Does it make life any simpler to deal with... apparently not.
But I have fallen in love with a pretty amazing girl... Yup.
Sure is just what I seem to have always wanted and haven't had until now.
So there you are.
What'd ya say, LJ friends? Still love me? :) I know you do...

I have been hitting my space a lot more than LJ...
I have been feeling pretty bad today... see it was my birthday last Friday and only 1 friend called to wish me a happy birthday, and it was a new friend. She wouldn't have known about my birthday if I hadn't told her last week. Two other friends did as well but only after I called them for something or other. I got two or three happy birthday wishes in email and that is it. My best friend didn't even call. Crazy. I feel terrible about it and didn't know where else to put my pain, so here it is LJ.
Please don't wish me happy birthday now. I am not asking for pity, just venting. You know what that is, right?
I have past fun birthdays running through my head all day...
Last year, at my birthday party, Leigh Ann begged to be an honorary aunt to my daughter... Ellie was running around chasing my best friend Alisha saying "aunty 'lisha" and Leigh Ann was jealous. I said to Ellie with no hesitation, "Ellie, this is Aunty Leigh Ann"...
Of course I was a little tipsy. Leigh Ann beamed.
Any of you who knew her will know the facial expression I am talking about.

Try this link. It is a really neat music video of the workings on inside a cell... Cool tune as well... You got to actually press play on this one.

http://www.aimediaserver.com/studiodaily/videoplayer/?src=harvard/harvard.swf&width=640&height=520

( Ok I am a little playful right now and I am learning how to express it on the internet. )

( Notice how some of the water vibrates in the shape of a five pointed star... )

( Thanks guys, but I don't need any help. )

I just figured out how to modify it.
www.myspace.com/selkhis

What do you think of this guy's art?
I am thinking of getting some work done by him.
http://www.lokitatu.com/main.htm
I love the name.
He works at a place called Tattoo Love here in Berkeley.

Oh man this is good! Check it out.
Last night I made chicken and brussels sprouts with cream tarragon sauce in a big clay pot. (my favorite thing to cook in the clay pot)
I buy a whole chicken and have them cut it up into fying peices, Whole Foods does it for free, and keep the scraps, which I use to make a broth.
I love to do this when we are sick. It is like medicine.
The broth is made by simmering (never a rolling boil or the broth will be cloudy) the neck, carcass, liver and others slimy looking red bits, in a pot with carrots, celery, onion, garlic, parsley, and basil and spinach and any other thing I have lying in the fridge about to die.
Simmer till the water goes down about 3 inches. Strain.

I then used the broth to make another soup this morning which has turned out so yummy!!
Here is the recipe:
1 bunch of celery
4 cloves garlic (I really like garlic)
1 onion
1 medium potato
1/4-1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4-1/2 teaspoon fennel
1/4-1/2 nutmeg
butter
3 cups of broth
3 cups of water
salt
(the broth and sauce ratio can be adjusted to availability or just use water)

Fry up onions and garlic in butter till soft.
Add spices and saute for one min more.
Add celery and saute for a few more mins, coating the celery with the spices.
Add salt, water/broth and potatoes and bring to a boil.
Turn down heat and simmer for another 20 mins or until potatoes are soft.

It came out so good. I am a cooker of habit and I don't often try new stuff, so when it comes out so right the first time, woo hoo, I just had to share.

It is healing.
I never went for an X-ray.
It is still a bit bruised and very sore to a gentle touch in a few places.
But on the good side, if I press on both ankle bones simultaneously, there is no pain. So most likely it is not broken.
I had a relapse in pain last night as I had a lecture and lab yesterday and had to do a lot of walking. Not a lot of elevation or ice.
But I am resting today and I hope to get some homework done.
This weekend will be busy.

And my daughter and I are both sick with colds.
Good thing I simmerd up some chicken broth last night. Very yummy and oh so healthy.

( The Back Door )

Maybe this is just what I need.
I have been invited again to be a guest at One Taste. They will let me attend a class para gratis.

Gracias!

This is what they say, and it is probably just what I need.

( Be warned, only for the taboo minded, please. )

Check out www.OneTasteSF.com
It really will rock your world. In some ways your dirty little mind would never expect.
Mine definately was turned over and turned on. I am amazed at how much I am still learning from the first class a few weeks ago.

It will be one year, soon, since my Step-Dad died. He was more of a father to me than my own father. He talked to me about everything. He was so open with me and I needed a father figure who could love me as I was and not tell me I needed to change. Even though Allen had his faults he coul rise above them and speak true wisdom from his heart.

And right after that, Leigh Ann died.
So as I move through some of the pain about my dead step-dad and my real father who I wish was dead, I feel like Leigh Ann is going to die all over again.
I'll get that call right around 10pm... fell asleep putting Ellie down...
...answer the phone and wonder why John is calling and not just knocking on the door since he lives upstairs...
...my raspy voice says, "hello?"...
...his voice cracks as he blurts out, "Elton just called, Leigh Ann is dead"...
In my sleepiness, I detach from myself and I see my body down below speaking like a robot into the phone,
"What?! No! No! No! That is terrible! Oh, that's terrible! Oh, god, oh, god..."
And the tears come, aching out of my body, with loud a wailing 'ahhhh ahhh ahhh'.

John leaves to comfort the bereaved and left behind.
Alone in the house, I go to the temple, kneel as if Leigh Ann, in the mood of the goddess, is on the altar, handing me the life of the sun and extacy of the earth... And I just wail out loud.
I wailed out loud, in anger and pain.
I felt the full brunt of it in that moment knowing that I would never, never, never see her there again, my priestess, shining like a star.

Argh, I miss her!

Good priestesses are so hard to come by...

Maybe I am just loving the downstroke...

Thanks for all the worry.
My ankle is feeling much better and I can get around pretty well with a brace on. I don't think that it is broken after all.
I talked with my brother and he has broken his ankle a few times, both sides, racing dirt bikes.
Thanks again for all the wonderful thoughts.
I sure did feel how alone I am though last night.
I guess I am lonely in general and I just didn't realize it. My daughter has been with her dad for a few days and I have had her pretty consistantly as he has been going away so much.
I guess I am also lonely for grown ups as well.

How do I tell if my ankle is broken?
Hurting.

We got her in the trailer.
My ideas on how to get her in, though did not work.

( More horse stuff behind the cut )